Boom Boom

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick she still is not talking to me

NEW RULES

(This is in the jokes section because it's a joke!!)

UPDATE TO THE NEW RULES

If you're aged between 23 and 49, and a car owner you can exercise between 7.00am and 9.00am if you keep the engine running while listening to the car radio. Red cars will be prohibited on Tuesdays until June 1st any other colour cars can travel on some roads. Check local news for road regulations. Be aware that tolls on the AP-7 will be half price on alternate days but double on Sundays, but only after 11.30am.

Some bars will open on Monday, some may not. Dogs will be accepted as usual except Labradors and all other dogs over the age of 7½ years. Blind dogs will still be accepted but may need help ordering drinks. Old Peseta notes will be accepted on Thursdays but only in some locations, please check with your town hall on Mondays between 1.00pm and 2.00pm for details.

Supermarkets will be open 9am to 6pm on alternate days, 6am to 9pm on other days except Fridays when they will be open at 8.30am until 8.45am for people aged 53 – 94 after which they will close and re-open again at 9.55am. You must shop at your nearest supermarket unless you own a motorbike in which case you may shop at any supermarket less than 18.25km from your house except on Tuesdays when you may shop up to 18.75km from your house.

You can travel with more than one person in the car if your pets are strapped to the roof rack and wearing a mask. If you don’t have a pet you may use a person over 73 years of age, but only on Wednesday between 4.30pm and 6.15pm. You can have a takeaway delivered but you can't take away a takeaway unless it is a pizza with pineapple and then only on Saturdays between 5.30pm and 9.45pm.

Cyclists are now banned but this has been appealed and a decision was scheduled to be made in the Supreme court on the 25th of May. However as this is a national holiday in Venezuela a new date will be announced in due course.

All disability scooters have to be adapted to mow lawns or clean pavements, except for two seater scooters which may be used as taxis on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but not before 9.30am.

Recycling bins will be closed on Thursdays unless they have a capacity of more than 6m3 in which case they will be closed on Fridays except for Friday 21 May when they will close the following Tuesday.

Playparks will remain closed except for Mondays when playparks with less than 4 swings can open between 10am and 12.40pm when children under 9 years of age can use them accompanied by at least one great grandparent who must wear a hat, but not a fedora.

Johnson was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the prime minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.
A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Johnson, 'That would merely be an accident.'
A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', said Johnson, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Johnson searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Johnson, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either'

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, intern-ship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
'After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
'Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

Why is Johnson’s government W—kers?

Hand Cock and Cummings

A song for Cummings
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0na2Y_7 ... ture=share

Scientists are now saying putting on a mask when getting in the car is like putting on a condom and then getting into a empty bed.