Boom Boom

This is bad!

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

I just phoned the tinnitus helpline.
It just kept ringing.

My wife told me that sex was so much better on holiday.
Not really the kind of postcard I was expecting.

The cosmetic surgeries, nail bars, hairdressers and beauty salons are about to be closed down again and put in lockdown.
Watch out, guys, it's going to get ugly out there.

The little old lady up the road rang me today. She said she'd just got a new jigsaw puzzle but couldn't work out how to start it.
"What's the picture on the box?," says I.
"A farmyard scene with a roosters," says she.

So I pops along (ever so helpful, me) and there she is, sitting at the table with all the pieces laid out.

"Well," says I, "I don't think you'll be able to do this one".
"Oh, I was so looking forward for something to do", says she.
"Right", says I, "we'll start by putting all the cornflakes back in the box, shall we?"

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair, no matter how big they are.