Boom Boom

Male Dysfunction
A man went into a urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner, he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes, he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes and turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish'...!!!

More.....

Next weeks news

The female athlete says to the Doctor "I've started growing a penis! I think it might be because I've been taking a lot of steroids"
Doctor asks "Anabolic?"
Female athlete replies "No, just a penis!"

Why did I get a divorce?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work half-heartedly and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy Birthday, boss!". I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, " Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?".
"Sure, okay", I said
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, "Surprise!!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa......naked.

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A Spanish joke, nicked from elsewhere.

A Spanish man is in Primark, looking for socks. He asks the assistant, who speaks no Spanish, quiero calcetines. The assistant trying to be helpful, shows him a rack of trousers, no, quiero calcetines, cried the customer. The assistant, ever helpful shows him a rack of shirts, again the cry, no quiero calcetines. Finally the customer spies the socks rack and calls to the assistant, eso sí que es. The assistant comes over and says, if you knew how to spell it why did't you say so in the first place.