Boom Boom

Whenever I travel by plane, I always get a pain in my ear.
I'd like to thank the travel agent I recently booked with for helping me to sort that problem.

She put me in Row 3 and my wife in Row 32.

Went in to the farmacia and asked the girl if she sold viagra, she said yes. So I said can I get it over the counter? She replied
Yes if you take two

OLD TIMER’S HOSPITAL STAY:
Don’t mess with old people............
I am a sick old man.
I was sick and in the hospital.
There was one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
‘And how are we doing this morning’,
Or ‘Are we ready for a bath’, or ‘Are we hungry?’
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.
‘My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. ‘
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, ‘Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.’
The nurse fainted..........
I just smiled.
DON’T MESS WITH ‘OLD’ PEOPLE

The Hotel Bill
An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: " "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
" But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. " We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh , Glasgow , and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.
" But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
" Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, " But I didn't use it!"
The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. " But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ' " That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
" But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
" Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens

A man and his wife were wandering round the supermarket doing their shopping.The man spots a 24 pack of Stella for £10.bargain.Wife says we can't afford that.Put it back.
A little later the wife spots a large pot of face cream,a snip at £20 and in the trolley it goes.What's that says the man.
It's face cream says the wife and makes me look beautiful.
That may be says the man,but so does the Stella and that's half the price.

How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to the bathroom wearing a long dressing gown.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash the entire rest of the body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off the shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in the shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of the shower.
Dry with a towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend the majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of the bath the whole time..
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
PASS THIS ON TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS CHEERING UP, AS THIS WILL DO IT.

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were
In the doctor's examining room,
Waiting for the doctor to come in
For the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived and examined the baby
Checked his weight, saw it was a little low
And being a little concerned,
Asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,'
The doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples,
Pressed,
Kneaded,
And rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed,
The doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.