Boom Boom

Me: "I'm in the kitchen and I've broken a glass"

Wife: "Hang on, I'll just get my broom"

Me: "It's not far, you can walk"

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant..
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and
fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
.........Three with meatballs, two without.!!
....Send extra sauce....

Glassfull wrote:

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Spot on. It's a disaster!

]went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The female teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal..
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
"No, love," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2:15

A young man goes into the Job Center in Wichita, Kansas , and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more - "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Houston, Texas. That's about 616 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?",
"No sir - that's where the end of the queue is right now."

RETIREMENT BONUS
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

MURDER AT WOOLWORTHS
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something upfront, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as a down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this...)
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS '
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

When I were but a young lad and go dating, I once told a girl on the first date that I could tell when a girl was born just by feeling her breasts.
"I don't believe you," she said, "go on, then tell me when I was born".
After a few minutes of (ahem) fondling her breasts she said "OK, that's enough, when was I born?"
"Yesterday", I replied.

Don't forget clocks go back at the weekend