Boom Boom

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>
> Husband banned from Costco.
>
> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
> Costco. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
> preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most
> women - she loves to browse.
>
> Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Costco.
>
> Dear Mrs. Wyatt
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
> store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
> of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Wyatt,
> are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
>
> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
> people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
> intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
> women's restroom.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
> 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
> leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
> that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
> time and costing the company money.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
> layaway.
>
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
> children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and
> blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
> and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
> called..
>
> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
> mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
> the clerk where the antidepressants were.
>
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
> the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
> using different sizes of funnels.
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
> yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
> assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
>
> And last, but not least:
>
> 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
> and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One
> of the clerks passed out.
>
> **************************
>
> Hope this made you laugh as it did me.

FW: Thomas The Tank Engine and his Little Driver Buddy...
> > A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
> > five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in
> > the living room.
> >
> > She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You
> > barstards who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry!
> > And all of you barstards who are getting on, get on now,
> > 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
> >
> > The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use
> > that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to
> > your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
> > When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want
> > you to use nice language.'
> >
> > Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
> > playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the
> > mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are
> > disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
> > belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us
> > today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
> >
> > She hears the little boy continue,
> >
> > 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of
> > your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
> > smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
> > relaxing journey with us today.'
> >
> > As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
> >
> > 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR
> > delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Just been watching the Women's Golf on tv. It's so much like real life.
Crap at driving but good with an iron.


Form an orderly queue,ladies.

A man and his date are sitting in a car in a quiet countryside spot.They start kissing and cuddling and getting down to business when the date freezes."What's the matter?"says the man.I'm sorry ,she says,I should have told you I'm a prostitute.After a moment's thought the man asked well how much do you charge then? 100€ she says.OK says the man and they continue where they left off.
When business is over the girl is smoking a cigarette and asks the man why he hasn't started driving yet.Well,he says,I should have told you earlier but I'm actually a taxi driver.The fare home is 100€.

The first Christmas joke - and it is Scottish
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and
says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and
I am divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell
they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're
coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'