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Boom Boom

Re: Boom Boom

Postby Chrisdee » Wed Jan 19, 2022 9:20 pm

IMG_20220119_211857.jpg
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Re: Boom Boom

Postby marcliff » Wed Jan 19, 2022 10:08 pm

Chrisdee wrote:
IMG_20220119_211857.jpg



I know that Chinese bloke. I met him in a pub.
I said "You are obviously Chinese, do you know karate, tai kwon do or other martial arts?"

He said "Why do you want to know?"

I said "Because you're drinking my bloody beer and I want to find out if I should hit you".
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Re: Boom Boom

Postby andywyatt » Thu Jan 20, 2022 8:20 pm

The female athlete says to the Doctor "I've started growing a penis! I think it might be because I've been taking a lot of steroids"
Doctor asks "Anabolic?"
Female athlete replies "No, just a penis!"
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Re: Boom Boom

Postby andywyatt » Sun Jan 23, 2022 8:12 pm

Aussie Love Story -
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac
bikkies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
Downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table here
literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac bickies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.
.................
"F#ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
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Re: Boom Boom

Postby izzy b » Sun Jan 23, 2022 8:19 pm

Chrisdee wrote:
IMG_20220119_211857.jpg
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Re: Boom Boom

Postby andywyatt » Sun Jan 23, 2022 9:11 pm

i
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Re: Boom Boom

Postby andywyatt » Mon Jan 24, 2022 7:28 pm

Subject: FW: Pain Pill
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the
man objects.
I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas
mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any
objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as
a pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give
you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."
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Re: Boom Boom

Postby andywyatt » Mon Jan 24, 2022 8:01 pm

RETIREMENT BONUS
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
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Re: Boom Boom

Postby andywyatt » Tue Jan 25, 2022 5:12 pm

A couple of friends are holding a joint party for Chinese New Year and Burns Night called Chinese-Burns Night.
I wasn't keen but they twisted my arm...
Happy Tuesday Folks.
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Re: Boom Boom

Postby Big Wheeler » Mon Jan 31, 2022 11:38 pm

Tesco have installed a medical machine which,for £5 and a urine sample,will diagnose any condition.When my mate went with a sore elbow the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow.Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 days.Impressed,my mate wondered if he could fool the machine.He mixed tap water with dog poo,urine samples from his wife and daughter,and then pleasured himself into the mixture.When he tipped it into the machine next day the printout read "1. Your tapwater is too hard.Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm.Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine.Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins.Not yours.Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself,your elbow won't get better.
Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
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