Boom Boom

“Fifty Shades of Grey Hair”
The missus bought a paperback
At Waterstones, on Saturday,
I had a quick look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
One hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left hand she held a rope,
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down there on the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
And she’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Then things they went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said…
That I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.
She stood there nude, all naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
So I stepped forward like a man,
and stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!
Well readers, I can tell no more;
'bout what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair's,….
Turned “fifty shades of grey”.

After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter”, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, Tatooed Bognor Babe walked into the store
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them
all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to B & Q."
I then said,
"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell
would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone
shagged you twice....
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
***Old People Rock!***

Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were very pretty, and smiled a lot.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where to meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive, The food and service were good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

A man sat beside a woman on a bus. The woman took out a tissue and sneezed, the man noticed her shudder for 10 seconds after. The man asked her if she was ok. "I'm fine" said the woman, "I have a rare condition that gives me an orgasm everytime i sneeze", "Are you taking anything for it?" the man enquires. "Pepper" replies the woman........

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.
Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.
Sex with an OAP - Saga !
Sex with a transvestite -confused.com !

Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Viagra! It wont make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, or eggs ta get or feed to stack - nothin'!! But ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even some soap and a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city kids are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' -strewth... its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - but it's OK coz it's only one at a time like, it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes pulled me off and carried me to the boozer. He didn't come with us though, said somethin about sore mouth...
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pee'd in your saxophone last night!"

Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio:
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself