Boom Boom

***My Favourite Joke Of The Day****
A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents:
A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A BBC reporter, Laura Kuenssberg, had watched the whole event.
Laura, addressing the Harley rider says. "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies. "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
Miss Kuenssberg. "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a BBC journalist, you know and tomorrow's news will run this story. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies. "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit.”
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker turns on BBC News to see if it indeed brings news of his actions.
BBC Headline: RIGHT WING UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
And THAT pretty much sums up the BBC's approach to the news these days....

An oldie but goodie...

Windows vs Ford.
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating :
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash - twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from
the gentleman who is seated over there.' .and indicated the sender
with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few
seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to
him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note
from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches
in your pants '
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed
him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear
to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and
a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in
Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over
twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off
three inches. Just send the bottle back.

I've now retired to Spain and bought a nice villa. Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
"Like sitting around the pool and drinking beer isn't a good thing?", I asked. (Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation lately.)
She is "only thinking of me," she said and suggested I go down to the Senior citizen community Centre and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her that I learned about from the fellas at the Senior Centre.
So I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're way too old now, you're not going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"
I sensed that she didn't believe me, so I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.

]Jennifer, a manager at a local Safeway store, had the task of hiring
someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes
she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to
call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would
determine which of them would get the job.*
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked
the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the
wall, there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across
the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.
'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so
good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t myself..'
Wally is now working at a Safeway near you

Sam died and left his wife £50,000 with the instructions she spend it on a lavish funeral.
Come the day, big funeral and his wife's friend asked how much of the money she spent.
"All of it," she said, "just like he wanted".

"All £50,000?", said the friend, "it was good but not that good. How did you spend all that money?"

"£6,500 for the funeral directors, £500 donation to the vicar doing the funeral and the rest on a large memorial stone."

"£43,000 for a memorial stone?" queried the friend, "how big is it?"

"7.5 carats," she replied.

Will the person who stole my shoes at the bouncy castle just grow up, FGS.