Talk Quesada forum

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is"...?
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right"...
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town...
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...
I'll show you how to get to Heaven"...
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, bullshit...
You don't even know the way to the Post Office"...

I've now retired to Spain and bought a nice villa. Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
"Like sitting around the pool and drinking beer isn't a good thing?", I asked. (Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation lately.)
She is "only thinking of me," she said and suggested I go down to the Senior citizen community Centre and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her that I learned about from the fellas at the Senior Centre.
So I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're way too old now, you're not going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"
I sensed that she didn't believe me, so I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead

Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were very pretty, and smiled a lot.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where to meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive, The food and service were good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

Haha

MURDER AT WOOLWORTHS
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something upfront, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as a down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this...)
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS '
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

Politicians are like turtles on top of a post.
You know he didn't get there himself.
He doesn't belong there.
He doesn't know what to do while he's there.
He's elevated beyond his function.
And you begin to wonder.
What stupid idiot put him there in the first place.

To avoid accusations of sexism in the above, "he" should be interchangeable with "she" according to personal choice.

A teenage girl comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

UK CLASSIFIED ADS
You have to love British humour! These classified ads were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel.
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 GAY bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
:11:30 -0800
**** And the WINNER is.. ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
And by the way: Statement of the Century
From the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker, Billy Connolly:
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"